


Colorful Language

by boredom



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Borderline crack, Gen, Humor, Space Dad Shiro (Voltron), Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-18 01:05:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14201685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boredom/pseuds/boredom
Summary: Cursing is a right of passage for teenagers, a way for them to proudly and boldly state that they are no longer children! It also sucks when your leader decides to be the responsible space dad and puts a blanket ban on all swear words. Can the paladins find a way to get Shiro to let them curse? Or will they forever be forced to sound like they’re in a 1950s sitcom?Note: There are a lot of curse words in this thing. Like, a shit-ton, so be prepared.





	Colorful Language

**Author's Note:**

> First work in the fandom! Allura's kind of out of character, but first fic, there's going to be some growing pains. Also, I love Shiro, he's awesome, best character in the series. He just needs a healthy way to relieve stress so I created one for him. Enjoy!

When Lance trudged into the kitchen, scowling after Shiro had told him off for using the word “damn”, he was surprised to see Hunk and Pidge also there, looking like they too had been on the receiving end of a stern lecture from their leader.

“What’d he yell at you guys for?” Lance asked, sliding into the seat next to Pidge and watching Hunk poke around the kitchen.

“He didn’t yell,” Hunk said. “He more of made a face and said that he was disappointed in my language, and, I don’t know man, it’s almost exactly the same face my mom makes when I accidentally track mud through the house after she’s mopped the floors.”

Lance had met Hunk’s mom. He had been on the receiving end of that ‘I’m disappointed in you’ look. It described Shiro pretty well actually. “He told you off for your language too? What’d you say?”

“I was trying to reach something on the top shelf and accidentally knocked a wrench onto my foot and said ‘shit’. It wasn’t even that loud or directed at anyone. What’d you say?’

“I said damn.”

Pidge snorted. “Did he give you the whole speech about how we’re defenders of the universe now and need to act with a certain amount maturity and that maturity involves speaking and expressing ourselves without cursing?”

Lance and Hunk nodded.

“This isn’t fair,” Pidge said, scowling even more. “I want to be able to curse when something doesn’t go right, that’s the point of curse words. Besides, asking teens not to curse is like asking a dog not to scratch his ear. It’s not like we said anything to anyone.”

“I agree. We’re fighting an evil empire with sentient robot lions and living in a castle with 10,000-year-old aliens, I don’t think ‘gosh darn it’ is really going to cut it.” Hunk sighed.

Lance shrugged and rested his chin in his hand. “What can we do? Shiro’s already perfected the disapproving mom stare and is on his way to perfecting the disapproving dad lecture. We can’t win against both of those things.”

“Seriously, how can someone with no kids be so good at mom stares and dad lectures?” Pidge grumbled.

“Hey, guys, why do you look so depressed?” Keith asked as he entered into the kitchen.

Lance whipped around and glared at him. “You!” He hissed.

Keith looked up from the bowl of strange looking fruit he was digging through. “What about me?”

“You’re the reason Shiro’s perfected the disapproving mom stare and the disapproving dad lecture!”

“The what now?”

“You know, that face he makes when he’s lecturing you,” Hunk added helpfully. “The one that says ‘I expected better of you and now I’m going to make you mop the floors again since you’re the one who tracked dirt in, in the first place’.”

“That is very specific. Are you okay?”

“Look, man, I don’t care if you realize it or not. He’s had to practice on scolding you so now we can’t argue with him like we should be able to do.” Lance scowled at him.

Keith still looked very confused. “Um, okay. If he’s lecturing you though, he probably has a good reason for it.”

This time it was Pidge who spoke up. “There’s no good reason for it!” She threw her hands in the air. “If I want to say ‘fuck me’ when a code I was writing doesn’t work, then I should be allowed to curse.”

“Wait--”

Pidge leaped over the counter and grabbed Keith’s jacket, shaking him back and forth. “I did not turn fifteen and get abducted by aliens only to be told that I have to use the same vocabulary that would make a 1950s sitcom seem gangster. Do you know how hard it is to make ‘well shucks’ and ‘heavens to Betsy’ sound threatening? You can’t do it!”

“Um, Pidge, maybe you should stop shaking him,” Hunk said, hovering over her shoulder and looking like he wanted to intervene, but was unsure how.

“Yeah, you might damage what few brain cells he has left,” Lance scoffed.

“Hey!” Keith, despite still being jerked back and forth by Pidge, still managed to send a very focused glare to Lance, who glared back.

Finally, Pidge let him go, seeming to burn herself out.

Keith took a moment to steady himself before asking, “What do you mean you can’t swear?”

The three blinked at him, trying to figure out if he was being serious or not.

“Really?” Hunk finally said. “Shiro’s really never told you that you can’t curse?”

Keith furrowed his brow and stared at them. A few seconds ticked by and then he burst out laughing, doubling over and putting one hand on the countertop to try and steady himself.

“How hard did you shake him?” Hunk said, staring at him as he finally sank to the floor, hands wrapped around his stomach as he continued to shake with laughter.

“Shit, how do we tell Allura and Shiro that we broke Keith?” Lance said. Keith continued to howl on the floor like a hyena.

“We’ll blame you,” Pidge said.

“Why me?”

“I don’t want to get another disapproving mom stare and disapproving dad lecture.”

“Neither do I!”

Keith stopped laughed and pulled himself off the ground, wiping tears from his eyes and occasionally letting out another huff of laughter. “That is a great joke, you guys. You really put a lot of effort into it.”

The three stared at him.

“What?”

Lance, Pidge, and Hunk exchanged glances.

“We’re not joking,” Hunk said.

Keith’s smile dropped a bit. “Wait, you’re seriously telling me that Shiro, Takashi Shirogane, is telling you guys not to curse?”

“Duh, who else would be yelling at us? I doubt Allura and Coran even know what Earth curse words are,” Lance said.

Keith seemed to think for a moment before shaking his head. “Shiro has the worst language I have ever heard. That guy curses in his sleep. There’s no way he’d be offended by your language.”

“You’re lying.” Pidge crossed her arms and glared at him.

“I’m terrible at lying. Shiro curses all the time. He once got a fresh batch of the Garrison’s mac and cheese and loudly proclaimed, in front of several commanding officers, ‘fuck yes, this day fucking rocks!’. He gives no shits about cursing.” 

Everyone was silent for a moment. That was true. Keith couldn’t lie his way out of anything. He tried to compliment Coran’s horrendous cooking once and couldn’t even manage to say ‘it was fine’ without stuttering and adding on a bunch of unnecessary information that made it clear very quickly that he hated the food.

“Seriously, you guys should hear him when he gets behind the wheel of a car. If we’re on the road for any length of time over five minutes, they just start pouring out of his mouth.” Keith laughed again. “We got stuck behind a funeral procession one time and I heard the phrase ‘you absolute fucking walnut if you go any slower I will stick my hand up your ass and turn you into a puppet that I will then make go the actual goddamn speed limit’ at least ten times.”

Pidge sank back down into the chair and groaned. “How do we get him to let us curse, then? I’m serious, I want to be able to say something other than ‘holy cow’ when shit hits the fan.”

Keith shrugged. “Not my problem.”

Lance grabbed the back of his jacket and pulled to his side. “Listen here, you stupid mullet, you’re the reason Shiro’s got this whole disapproving stare and lecture thing down. Pidge is right, we want to curse, we have a right to curse. So help me god, you will work with this team to give us the right to use colorful language when the time is right.” He kept his voice low, and it hit Keith just how ridiculous the whole situation was.

“Fine. I’ll help.”

oOoOoOo

As it turns out, trying to come up with a plan to catch Shiro in the act of cursing, thus exposing him as a hypocrite, thus allowing the paladins to express their frustrations in words that best suited the situation, was not that easy.

“Okay, Keith, you said that he gets a nasty case of road rage so I found this planet that has these car...like...things,” Lance said before slamming down what looked like a vacation pamphlet on the table.

“How’s this going to help us?” Pidge said, picking up the pamphlet and flipping through it.

“Well, we can go to the planet, and then we can say that Shiro and Keith need to drive somewhere and then Keith can record Shiro’s cursing and when they come back you can play us the recording and then we can confront Shiro.” Lance trailed off at the end, sounding more unsure with each word he spoke.

“That’s stupid,” Keith said, turning back to his green goo.

“No one else here seems to be coming up with any plans! I’m going crazy, man, it’s been two weeks since I’ve said anything worse than darn! I actually said golly at one point! Golly! The one time I did say damn Shiro gave me the same look my abuela gives me when I tell her I didn’t make it to church. Do you know how hard it is to master that stare? I went and recited the Act of Contrition and fifteen Hail Mary’s after that.”

Keith furrowed his brow. “It’s just curse words, guys. It’s not like it’ll kill you to say something else.”

“Man, you gotta help us. Lance is right, I feel like I can’t speak freely. All of the plans we’ve come up with so far are garbage.”

They were silent for a moment, each working through possible solutions.

“You said he gets road rage, maybe he curses while flying in the black lion?” Pidge finally suggested.

“Wouldn’t we hear it, though?” Lance asked.

“There’s mute and unmute buttons in the helmets.”

“Huh, I did not know that.”

“That much is obvious.” Keith huffed.

Thankfully, Lance did not rise to the bait and they did not start fighting.

“I feel like trying to confront him while we’re fighting a space battle probably isn’t the best idea,” Hunk said. “We should be focusing on not dying, not on trying to catch Shiro in the act of swearing.”

They went back to silence. Shiro was smart and they knew that he had enough control over himself to not randomly start spewing swear words in front of them. He had, for some reason, decided that he was going to try and be a good role model for them and provide some discipline. It looked like they were never going to partake in the most important right of passage for teenagers on the cusp of adulthood: curse excessively and misuse the words in awkward ways to feel more grown-up while at the same time showcasing how truly childish they were until such time that they actually learned to wield the words properly. It was an important step in the transition from child to adult, and Shiro was making that transition harder by acting like some sort of space dad who was trying to teach them to be “responsible”.

“Why do you all look so grim?” Allura said as she stepped through the door.

They looked at each other, trying to decide if it was safe to trust her or now. Other than the bizarre word quiznak, Allura seemed to be relatively mature and not the type who would blurt out such classics as “dick” and “fucknut”. But, maybe if they convinced her to be on their side, she could help get Shiro in the cockpit of the black lion without forcing them to go into battle so that they could hear him swear and then confront him about it.

“Shiro won’t let us curse and it’s stressing us out because Keith says he curses all the time,” Pidge finally grumbled.

Allura twisted her lips, looking like she wanted to scowl. She was probably going to lecture them the same way Shiro had, saying that it was important to put the best foot forward and get into the habit of acting with dignity and respect and blah blah blah.

“Are you sure he curses?” She was staring at Keith.

“Yup, like a sailor. Most of the curse words I know, I’ve learned from him. He has no filter and I’m kind of surprised we haven’t caught him yet.” Keith shrugged.

“That bitch,” Allura said. Everyone whipped around to stare at her.

“Um, Princess?” Lance asked.

“He gave me some spiel about being a good influence and all this time he was being a hypocrite.”

“What about quiznak, though?” Hunk asked.

“That’s a nonsense word. It doesn’t mean anything, I just needed something to say!”

“Looks like Allura is on our side,” Pidge said, smirking. Now that they had her, it would be much easier to complete Operation Make Shiro Curse (true, not the best name, but they couldn’t really figure out a better one).

“What were you planning?” Allura asked, joining them at the table.

“Keith says that he can really get going while driving so we were hoping there’d be some way to get him into the black lion and listen in while he flies around,” Pidge explained.

Allura tapped the table and thought for a moment before nodding. “Paladins, I think I can make this happen. Pidge, can you sabotage his helmet so he can’t put it on mute?”

“Sure thing!” Pidge saluted and went off to find Shiro’s armor.

“Lance, find Coran and tell him to meet me at the control center. We’re going to need to code a new training program.”

“Roger.”

“Hunk, is there any way you can make space debris that can be moved around remotely?”

“I’ll try.”

“Keith, I need you to find Shiro and keep him distracted for a bit, just until we finish coding everything.”

“Are you going to need the training deck?” he asked.

“No, if we’re using the lions we shouldn’t need it.”

“Okay, see you in a bit.”

And with that, all tasks were assigned. Operation Make Shiro Curse was finally going to be put into action.

oOoOoOo

“So what exactly is the point of this training program?” Shiro said uncertainly as he put his helmet on.

Allura smiled. “Occasionally, we’ll be forced to work through some tight areas; asteroid fields, shipwrecks, etc. Keith is really the only one here who can maneuver through these situations efficiently and it’s important that each one of you can complete it as well. It won’t do us any good if someone is out of commission because they hit an asteroid.”

Lance scoffed. “So just because this asshole can do it means that we have to do it too?”

“Language,” Shiro said, turning to glare at him before turning back to get more details from Allura.

“Oh, that’s the disapproving dad stare,” Keith said, quietly so that Shiro couldn’t hear them talking.

“Yeah, what’d you think it was?”

He shrugged. “The ‘for the love of god, Keith, don’t fight this man he’s got 200 pounds of muscle and is three feet taller than you’ stare.”

“Did you win?”

“Yep.”

“Hmm.” They turned their attention back to the conversation.

“And, we’re going one at a time because?”

“Because I don’t want you to be distracted by each other and accidentally crash into one another while trying to avoid the obstacles. Once you can all make your way through the field without crashing into anything, then we’ll try doing multiple people at once.” Coran explained. They wondered if he was in on the actual plan.

“Alright, then I’ll go first.” Shiro waved goodbye and made his way to the lion.

“We’re not actually all going to go through this training simulator, right?” Hunk asked.

“Yes you are, I think it’s a great thing to practice and I can’t believe I haven’t thought of it before,” Allura said as she typed some things on the computer, moving some of the pieces of junk Hunk had mechanized into position.

“Well, he’s whistling on the way down, which I’ve never heard him do, so the mute button isn’t working,” Pidge said.

They were silent, waiting with bated breath as Shiro pulled out of the bay.

“Alright, Allura, tell me when to start.”

“Now!” Allura shouted, slamming her hand down on the button and causing the various asteroids and pieces of metal and start swarming Shiro.

“Fuck!” he screeched as he barely managed to dive out of the way.

“Wow, that was fast,” Hunk observed.

“Told you,” Keith said.

“Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit!” Shiro shouted as he managed to maneuver past another round of asteroids.

“How’d you guys manage to get actual asteroids so quickly?” Lance asked as Shiro spun and twirled his lion through the field, a string of curses falling from his mouth.

“They’re not really there. They’re just holograms of asteroids,” Coran explained.

“You fucking twat! I do not have the patience for this shit you maiming cock storm!” Shiro screeched.

“When he really gets into it, there’s this vein that throbs on his forehead,” Keith said as if commenting on the weather.

“Goddammit, I will not lose to this demented clusterfuck pile of shit!” Shiro screeched and then, “Allura, are they supposed to be this aggressive?” It was almost like two different people were working the comm and the switchover was almost instantaneous.

“Now we know why we’ve never caught on,” Hunk said.

“I’m sorry, Shiro, we don’t have enough materials yet to practice with and I don’t want to do this in a real asteroid field until I’m certain you all can complete the training exercise without failure.” She was struggling not to laugh, holding herself up on the counsel and shaking, hand pressed to her mouth, trying to stop the laugh from escaping. Coran quickly hit the mute button and she burst out.

“I didn’t know it was going to be this...colorful.”

“Cock flaps!” Shiro screeched as he maneuvered around another set of holographic asteroids. “You utter cockthistle bucket blender! I will end your asses! Balls!”

“You know, sometimes he when he’s flying he just starts screaming,” Keith said, still not looking remotely interested in what their leader was saying.

“How can you not be laughing at this? How can you be so calm?” Lance said, doubled over and trying to breathe.

“Like I said, most of what I learned, I learned from him. Besides, he hasn’t said fucknut once so we’re actually doing pretty good here.”

“You fucknut tit herder!” Shiro screeched as he managed to deftly roll up and over one of the larger asteroids that were put in his way. And then, “I think we should let someone else have a turn. I am a good pilot, so I don’t need as much practice,” Shiro said, patiently, calmly, with a sense of authority and control you would not expect from a man who just screamed ‘dipstick barnacle’ not two seconds afterward.

“Five more minutes, Shiro, and then I think you can be done,” Allura said, quickly hitting the mute button so that she could continue laughing.

“Fucking ass bait!” Shiro screeched. And then, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“Oh, see, told you he screams sometimes,” Keith said.

“Um, should we be worried about this?” Hunk asked as Shiro continued to alternate between curse words and random screaming.

“No, this is just how he deals with stress,” Keith assured him.

“He kind of sounds like those screaming goat videos that were going around awhile back,” Pidge observed while Shiro called another piece of space trash ‘dripping cum pirate’.

“Yeah, the first time I heard it, it freaked me out, now I know it just means that he’s concentrated.”

The screaming cut. “Alright, Allura, I think I’ll head back in. Lance, why don’t you go next?”

Lance stopped laughing and pouted but stood up and headed towards his lion.

oOoOoOo

They were all done with the training, each sweaty and wired from dodging Allura’s flying space trash. Keith and Shiro were, of course, the only two who managed not to hit anything, but that wasn’t why they were gathered together with Allura and Coran standing in front of a large monitor.

“Alright, paladins,” she said, smiling sweetly, “I think one of the best ways to improve is to look at what went wrong and what went right. Shiro, since you flew first, let’s review your footage first.”

Shiro nodded. “That’s a great idea, Allura. It always helps to critique your own performance.” He seemed not to notice the tension and excitement that was building behind him. Hopefully, he’d let up on the no cursing rule. They didn’t really need to curse like he did, mostly because they weren’t sure how he came up with phrases like ‘inbred cunt slapper’ and ‘flip-flopping dickwhistle dictator’.

Allura smiled at him and pressed play on the recording.

“Fuck!” recording Shiro screamed at the simulation started.

Shiro’s smile dropped and he rubbed the back of his head nervously while the recording continued on. He turned and smiled sheepishly at the group.

“I thought as a paladin of Voltron, we had to act with respect and maturity?” Pidge said innocently while recording Shiro screamed in the background.

“Um, well, you see...” His eyes fell on Keith. “You ratted me out, didn’t you?”

Keith smirked. “I mean, they told me you didn’t like swearing. Can you blame me for thinking it was a joke?” He gestured to the recording behind him as recording Shiro screeched ‘irredeemable shit shark!’.

“We want to say damn!”

“And fuck!”

“And shit!”

“Also things like cock and ass!”

“You can’t deny us this, Shiro! How are we supposed to get good at swearing if you won’t let us swear!” Pidge said.

Shiro glared at Keith one last time before smiled nervously at the group of people. “Okay, but keep it to a minimum, and definitely don’t speak like this when we’re out in public. I don’t go around swearing like this all the time.”

The group thought about it for a moment before nodding. “Deal.”

“Also, anything we hear you say we can also use,” Pidge said. “I like shitface licker. It gets a lot of information across.”

Shiro just groaned and nodded. The language was about to get a whole lot more colorful around the castle.


End file.
